Random-point-in-life-crises usually happen at night. Not saying just “mid-life” because this shit usually happens much earlier than that. Unless your life is halfway up by the time you’ve hit puberty. Or finished high school. Or finished college or got fired or really just had any terrible night at an age where you could form coherent thoughts. They usually happen after watching some indie film, or just anything in a foreign language, while making yourself feel guilty for not doing the things you’re actually supposed to be doing.
All of a sudden from master procrastinator and quite possibly soda addict you’ve gone into full philosopher mode. Everything becomes so profound you’re not even sure anymore whether you seriously feel like you’re drowning or if at this point you’re just mocking yourself. Plato, Aristotle, Kant – they’ve got nothing on you. If your questions and queries become any more questioningly inquiring the universe just might fall apart. No, not the universe. Reality. Anything outside of your own mind is unsure, the external world cannot be known, and might not even exist. You realize you’re quoting the Wikipedia article on solipsism and then you’re fucking proud of yourself for reading philosophy articles on the internet.
At this point you’ve grown hungry, possible even starving, because really who knows or understands anything at all. Desires cannot be measured. Nothing makes sense. Everything is a lie. You go search for food, possibly stopping to impart some information to your cat, if you’ve got one.
You’re not really sure what to do now. In some faraway part of your brain you realize the wise decision would be to go to sleep. You organize your computer files and scroll through endless Buzzfeed posts instead. Eventually the panic of going to sleep once it’s light outside settles in. There’s something unsettling about going to sleep when the entire sky is shouting at you that you’ve missed the opportunity to rest. It’s like being yelled at by your mother, but on a whole other scale. Also, the sky is blue. You crawl into bed, promising yourself you’ll shower first thing tomorrow morning. Well, it’s not exactly tomorrow – technically speaking it’s already tomorrow now. That’s supposedly unimportant stuff but at this time, in this state of mind, it’s actually vital you take a moment to recognize this technicality.
The antidote to over thinking, over analyzing, and life crisis-ing is not-night-time. Once it’s properly day again you realize how stupid you are and how unproductive it is to waste away the night, thus ruining the following day as well. You’ve literally achieved nothing. In fact, you’ve even regressed because now you’re very tired, you’ve eaten way more than you ever planned on eating and you have a brand new stock of terrible poetry saved in various states of completeness all over your computer.
Really, your entire life is one big crisis. You can feel the clock ticking, the time passing by. You still haven’t discovered the meaning of life. You’ve probably just gained a few pounds, lost a couple of inches from sleep deprivation, and ruled out a future in creative writing.
Well, considering the fact that you’re a fully formed human who still has no clue what that even means and you’re hopelessly confused about practically everything, and you’re going to die anyway and probably be forgotten the minute it happens, that’s actually a considerable achievement for one night, don’t you think?
The 26 Posts Blogging Challenge is a challenge hosted by Bookish Ardour, which poses topics for 26 years. I have not completed every topic, and I don’t plan on continuing on a regular basis, but I did want to write up something and this is a good way to find prompts. This week’s topic is –
Your Changes: How have you changed since your blog began?
This is actually a really interesting topic, and it has more to do with my love of writing than with my love of reading. I do run a book blog and so of course I enjoy reading but a passion of mine I’ve discovered and pursued only relatively recently is writing. I write short stories, poetry, essays, spoken word poems – everything. I originally intended on running a book blog with reviews mainly, but eventually I realized that – unlike many book bloggers I follow – I simply cannot keep up with reading a library every week. I got into the weekly meme posts and those seemed to be a big hit with you guys and so I do them often now. At one point I also realized I wanted to incorporate writing into this blog and that’s how my “Book Talk” page began. I guess I never made it clear but that page basically just rounds up links for all of my more personal posts about books that aren’t memes or reviews. My first piece was one about Orson Scott Card and my own personal agenda regarding him, and authors who partake in activities I am against in general. My second post was about literary tattoos, one that for some reason never picked up – you can view it here, in case you’re interested. I’ve gone on to write two more of these (My Reading History & Book to Movi- TV Show?) and to be honest they’re what I enjoy most, besides my very favorite Top Ten Tuesday posts. In fact, Jayde-Ashe @ The Paperbook Blog has started a project of putting out a monthly (maybe twice a month even) literary magazine online and I’ll be submitting a piece about what I like to call “book murder” in there. I’ll make sure to link you guys when it’s up.
So, now with this lengthy introduction in place – you guys know how I tend to get off topic – I guess I should address the real question here. I think I’ve mainly changed in the fact that I’ve stopped just listing ideas. Nowadays, I actually tackle them. The Scott Card post is a topic I’ve been involved in ever since I discovered the topic after reading Ender’s Game about a year and a half ago. I discuss it verbally with people all the time, but I never actually sat down and wrote about it. This platform finally got me going. I finally DO SOMETHING with my ideas, and it makes me so happy with myself. I’m a professional procrastinator and this blog has managed to hack away at this laziness I’m encased in. I’ve also started writing reviews of course, something I’ve been interested in doing but never actually made the effort. The main change I guess I’m trying to emphasize is that I’ve become a “do-er”, along with just… a thinker.
In addition to that, ever since I started writing I became more confident in my own life. I’m generally a shy person with strangers – not loud or outgoing. My writing has helped me discover other sides of myself – the opinionated, strong, humour person I come off as through these posts. The fact that people actually read MY writing – you guys have no idea how happy it makes me. Every email I get from WordPress makes my day. It still astounds me that 69 – NEARLY SEVENTY – human beings in this world choose to invest time in reading the words I type up here in my little room. Having readers? It’s crazy. I never thought I’d reach that point. I don’t need crowds of people or mainstream websites printing my writing – just this. Anyone. Someone who listens. I know every blogger is glad to be read but when it comes from that BEING A WRITER aspect it really affects me. I love what I do with books here, but at the end of the day my writing is most important to me.
So yes, I’ve changed. I’ve become more confident both in real life, in writing, and in sharing my writing in real life. I’ve started accomplishing things instead of just piling up ideas and plans. This show of support I get here with every follow, comment or like has encouraged me to continue. I’ve changed because I feel like people care, and I think that’s honestly the best motivation. I’m not big in the book blogging community and I might never be, but my goal is to have people listen and for now this is more than enough.
I think it’s only right I finish this post off with a thank you. I usually do the whole “What do YOU ______” thing but this post isn’t so much about questions for you – it’s just… thanks. You guys have no idea how much every one of you means to me. We’re nearing the 70 now. A small community. All of this wouldn’t exist without you or your support.
Thank you, danke, gracias, merci, תודה.